A Reminder of Just How Inadequate a Parent You Truly Are

Unpublished date | December 9, 2020
Rejected from | McSweeney’s

Inside every new parent is an inadequate parent waiting to be told just how much more they could be doing for their kids if only they loved them as much as the other parents at toddler spin class. From the creators of the hit book “French Kids Eat Everything” comes an inter-culture series of books guaranteed to make you feel more defeated and confused than ever!

Swiss Kids Climb Mountains
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids would be in the 99th percentile for lung function.

Chinese Kids Forego Diapers
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids wouldn’t be overloading landfills with numbers one and two.

Nigerian Kids Give Their Aunty a Kiss
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids would respect their elders and call somebody sometime.

Danish Kids Speak 17 Languages
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids could say “More vegan mac n cheez” in all the Romance languages.

Indian Kids Stay Up Late
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids would know that Seth Meyers is the real NBC talent.

Russian Kids Play Outside While Imperialist Americans Brainwash the Innocents With Warmongering Capitalistic Fantasies
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids would know that Uncle Poot-Poot must stay in power for their own good.

Canadian Kids Make Maple Syrup That American Kids Pour on Everything
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids would see a world not of absolutes but of sapid-yet-sweet possibilities.

Moon Kids Breathe in Space
If you weren’t so inadequate, your kids would have developed evolutionary techniques for intragalactic survival.