Introducing: BOOKS

Unpublished date | December 11, 2020
Rejected from | McSweeney’s

Have you been getting your history from statues? [Uh huh...]

Are liberals tearing down monuments in your town? [Hmph!]

Are you worried your children won't learn history in an increasingly statue-less world? [Oh no!]

Well, worry no more! Introducing BOOKS: The new and easy way to learn about, remember, and curate information! With BOOKS, stories from the past come alive like never before!

The secret: We studied ancient techniques of information management. By establishing a patented system of swirly whirlies, we created letters, which form words, which form sentences. Now BOOKS can express ideas with a detail and flair no statue can match!

Wondering what Hitler's life was like? There's a BOOK for that!

Need to remember that the Civil War happened? There's a BOOK for that!

Interested in what, exactly, Horton hears? There's a BOOK for that, too!

With BOOKS, you can store as much history as you want, right in the comfort of your own home! Or, take BOOKS to the courthouse lawn and watch those silly liberals tear down another statue. It'll be our little secret!

But wait, there's more! Sign up for BOOKS today, and we'll include SCHOOL: The exciting new interactive tool to learn and discuss even more history! Just pay separate processing.