Space Jam Will Not Be Remade

Unpublished date | August 3, 2016
Rejected from | McSweeney’s

Editor’s note: This article was unpublished years prior to the announced remake of Space Jam. Having seen the trailer, and in anticipation of LeBron James’ work off the court in general, in the eyes of your humble servant writer, the point stands.

Serena Williams, tennis superstar, is the only option to replace Michael Jordan, former NBA superstar and lead actor, in the remake of Space Jam.

For the uninitiated, Space Slam, starring Serena Williams, follows the tale of a tennis superstar who retires to play golf with Bill Murray. Meanwhile, in the world of cartoons, Bugs Bunny and his lot are threatened with theme park enslavement by a cadre of anthropomorphic dildos called the Nerdlucks. The Toons accept the challenge of a winner-take-all tennis tournament because dildos.

But wait! The Nerdlucks capture the talents of great tennis players: Rafael Nadal, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Venus Williams, and John Isner. Now they're good at tennis and called the Monstars! Bugs and Co. kidnap Serena Williams and ask her to lead them to victory. She is skeptical, until she meets the Monstars, who are total douchebags. "It's on!" says Serena at a critical turning point in the script.

Space Slam is a no-brainer blockbuster that appeals to kids who love cartoons, adults who loved Space Jam, and the international, tennis-crazed community. Unfortunately, Serena Williams is not available at this time.